Dear incredibly brilliant people at Infidelity DNA,
This is an ingenious idea and I want to thank you for offering this much-needed public service. You are giving people the opportunity to sneak around and steal their partner’s old, crusty underwear and send it over to your lab where you determine if the dried up layer of gunk on said underwear is someone else’s love juice. So you test the undies, check for semen or DNA and then let me know if it belongs to my husband, me or some floozy he was cavorting with. That cheating bastard never stood a chance. Wait, how did this become about me? Anyway, my point is that it really doesn’t get any better than this. Oh wait. Yes it does. You manage to provide this entire service for the nominal fee of $595!
Now, before I ransack my hamper looking for my husband’s dirty boxers, I have three questions for you:
1. What if the crud on my hubby’s boxers is mayo or some clam chowder that he spilled because he was being particularly clumsy and managed to get some inside his boxers? And if that’s the case I will need to have a serious talk with that motherfucker because who in the hell spills clam chowder in their boxers and why was he eating clam chowder with no clothes on? But I digress. My point here is, will you give me my money back if the stuff in the boxers is just some old chowder?
2. Who was it? Which one of you came up with this idea? Which one of you knew that there are a shit load of paranoid people willing to go the extra mile to achieve a new level of crazy and pay $595 for it? I salute whoever it was and must meet this intellectual genius. Also, please ask this person what exactly he/she/it was going through when the light bulb went off? Please explain at what point in someone’s life it sounds like a good idea to test someone’s dirty underwear.
3. This last question is more of a request. Can I be present when one of your clients tells her cheating lover that she sent his tighty whities to get tested and someone else’s DNA showed up? I beg you to please let me in on this. Because, hello? I need to see his face when she’s explaining how she found out of his cheating ways like it is the most normal thing in the history of ever.
That is all for now. I just leave you with one suggestion. You all need to step it up because these people are offering semen detection kits that I could buy and use in the comfort of my own home for $49.95. It sounds legit so I might go that route.